Live, Laugh, Love!

I just feel so much anger so much hatred. I don’t even wanna see you anymore.

Everyone in this house is pissing the shit out of me. You quarrel with your boyfriend, my fault ah? You tired from work today, my fault ah? All these things that are happening to the both of you is not my fault. SO WHY THE HELL IS EVERYONE TAKING IT OUT ON ME. WHY DO I HAVE THE BEAR THE CONSEQUENCE OF EVERYTHING.

YOU ALL NOT HAPPY, COME HOME IMMEDIATELY TAKE OVER THE ROOM EVERYONE TO EVACUATE. LIGHTS CANNOT ON, TABLE CANNOT USE. ANOTHER ONE COME FROM WORK NOT HAPPY, MAKE A WHOLE SHITLOAD OF NOISE. HAPPY SHOUT, NOT HAPPY ALSO SHOUT. WHAT THE FUCK YOU GUYS WANT. I WON’T REALLY CARE IF YOU TAKE OVER YOUR OWN ROOM, I DON’T CARE IF YOU COME HOME AND SHOUT RUBBISH. BUT IF YOU COME HOME AND TAKE OVER OUR ROOM, AND CHASE ME OUT OF THE ROOM WHICH RIGHTFULLY BELONGS TO ME AS WELL, YES I HAVE A PROBLEM. A FUCKING HUGE PROBLEM WITH THAT. IF YOU COME HOME AND START SCREAMING YOUR ASS OFF AT ME. YES I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT TOO.

ALL YOU ASSHOLES, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. STOP GETTING ME INVOLVED WITH YOUR RIDICULOUS EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWNS WHATNOT. I DON’T FUCKING DESERVE THIS TREATMENT AT ALL.

I really really hate staying home sometimes. Everyone is just going on their mad tantrum spree shit, giving everyone else shit when they’re in a bad mood. Sister quarrel with boyfriend, cannot use room, cannot study in my room. What the fuck. Am I taking the As or you. And I can’t even use the room to study. There is just nowhere for me to studying at home. Position myself in the living room and the whole family just makes so much noise. Grandma watches tv till 12am every single day in the living room. Where the hell am I suppose to go? End up having to study in the kitchen now and its so fucking hot. Sick of this. Why is everyone so selfish.

fucking asshole of a dad. Scolded me for watching shows when there was not a single video on my computer. Just cos you saw me staring at the damn laptop doesn’t mean I am watching a show. Get your fucking facts right before you go around spilling bullshit out of your mouth. And when I spoke up for myself I get scolded for being rude. And you still dare to ask me why am I speaking to you in that tone when you didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t do anything wrong? You got your facts wrong, you scolded without knowing what happened and you dare to turn this whole thing round and said that it’s my fault? I am so fed up with these idiots. Its not even my fault and I am getting blamed. You freaking accused me of something that I wasn’t doing and I am suppose to just sit there and let you continue. Erm, no. I am not like that.

Just cos you guys are all in a bad mood, having the worst day of your life, it doesn’t give you the damn rights to flare up at me unnecessarily. I didn’t do a shit, I didn’t cause all the anger in you so you assholes don’t fucking take it out on me and expect me to put up with all your stupid tantrums.

The more I think about it, the more insulted I feel towards Mook’s comment about how 08 kids always do badly for exams. Wanted to vent my frustration on Twitter but I guess it would create an uproar among my 08 people. So i can only take my frustrations here.

I am gonna study hard, so hard till…..idk. My brain overloads and do well for my As. Like how Jinyao moved from U to B? Yea, thats exactly what I am gonna do. Do well for my papers and prove you wrong. Make you take back all your words and regret what you said so much. Get my grades, shove them in your face and let you realized you’ve been wrong. Your words, your thoughts, your stereotypical mentality, and even you as a person had been a mistake all these while. Show you my grades and shut your stupid fat mouth up.

I really want the whole of 08 to do well. To do so well that we can prove all those that looked down on us wrong. I am gonna do well in math too. I must ok, Jiaying lets aim to move up for MYEs. Come come, MYEs are not that far away. We need to prove all those who have looked down on us wrong.

Lets do this guys :)

My grandma just received a call from some relative of mine to inform her that her brother had passed away. Seeing the look on my ah ma’s face, hearing her telling me that her brother had left just made me feel so sad. I was never close to my ah ma’s brother but it just hurts me to see my ah ma being so devastated right now. I honestly don’t know what to tell my grandma but I just want her to feel alright soon.

Feeling a whole lot of emotions right now and no words can express how thankful I am today.

I am just so glad that everything that I’ve been keeping in came out today and that Billy understood. It really meant a lot to me to get that pinky promise that things won’t change and the reassurance that it will never be my fault no matter what happens and that I have no need to feel any sense of guilt or whatsoever. So now the burden’s finally off my chest and I am just so so so freaking glad things (hopefully) remained the same. Thank you so much for understanding and thank you so much for treasuring this friendship as well. Its really really heartening :’) Besides that, the text that came in during the whole crucial period of ensuring that things remained the same, really set me at ease. Although its only about work and rants on the busy life, but it really made me feel that everything was back to normal. Although he may not have sent the text with the intention of proving that everything was fine, it was still great to have received that which calmed my nerves a lot a lot.

Really feeling so overwhelmed right now, and this incident only goes to show the importance of this friendship to me. Thank you so so much. Thank you for obviously putting in the effort to keep things natural and reassuring me that things will not be awkward unless I make them. It really helped me a lot.

Finally all the guilt I’ve been feeling for over a year is now over. Seriously, the relief I am feeling now, is more than anything I’ve ever experienced. Thank you.

It pisses me off whenever my family brings up the money issue. Its absolutely crazy how many things I have to pay for on my own. My own shopping, food at times, my freaking phone bill and whatnot. It is absolutely irritating because I am fucking 18. I am studying. Where the hell am I suppose to get all these money from to pay for all my expenditure.

Yes fine, say that shopping is my own problem. I will pay for that on my own. What bout food. Why do I need to pay for my own meals at times. What kinda logic is this, and when I ask for my money back, it seems like such a biggg deal that they return it to me. Erm hello, as parents you kinda pay for your child’s meals. Not saying that my parents dont provide me and all that bloody bullcrap, but I just mean that once in a while kinda stupid situation that leaves me completely speechless at how ridiculous these situations are.

Handphone bills as well. How long ago was it that I signed on this freaking 12 bucks plan. I have changed plan for goodness sake and where on earth can you even find a 12 bucks plan in this world now. And I am expected to fork out the rest on my own? what rubbish. Considering how pathetic that freaking plan is with only 500 sms a month which i exceed every single month, I end up paying 10 dollars plus more on my own. Yes 10 bucks or so may be nothing to those freaking rich kids out there. But do understand that I am surviving on 6 bucks per day. SIX FREAKING BUCKS FROM 9 IN THE MORNING TILL 8 AT NIGHT. There’s barely anything left. And now that I’ve been requesting to change a plan to one with unlimited sms, my sis comes up to me and tell me that I can just get student plan which is 25 bucks a month. WOHOHO 25 BUCKS. where the hell do i get that money from.

Quit telling me that I must stop depending on my parents and depend on myself for the money. Yea, you tell me where the hell do I get the money from. I can barely save 1 dollar everyday and you are asking me to pay for this that everything on my own? I am 18, studying, not working. I am a fucking student who does not have any savings because I have nothing remaining each day, and I have to pay for my own expenditure. You ask me to find my own way? What way? what the hell can I do? Work, and screw up my As? Hell no.

Not exactly helping now that my rich ass sister is being super calculative with me over every single cent now because she needs the money to buy a house or go out for dates with her boyfriend. Whatever. Fuck this, definitely won’t get to change plan cos my dad wont budge, and unless I start eating grass for life or the sky miraculously rains cash, I will have to stick to 500 sms per month.

Fuck. I hate feeling so poor and  helpless and pathetic. Its not like as though my family is super poor living on financial assistance or whatever. May not be rich rich, but at least we are average, or even above average. So whats up with all these selfishness with regards to cash. Urgh I hate it so much. Can’t wait for As to end and I’m gonna work like crazy, earning all the money in this freaking world.